The Bad Days

Bad days. We all have them. We all wish we didn’t. But as in all cycles of life there has to be the bad to balance the good, and in these pockets of “F*%K!!” that we feel on those bad days, there is opportunity.

Yes, you read that right. Opportunity.

I had one of those crappy, no good, very bad, horrible icky days this past weekend. And really, on a weekend? Not fair.

I knew it was going down in a landslide at about 5am. The entire day was going to be a bust before it had even began.

It started with the crying. My darling daughter, who I will refer to here in this space as Bug (the nickname she’s somehow gotten at home), woke up for her “middle of the night” feeding at 4am. I, with my super strength mommy nose, thought I smelled something stinky. Not wanting to put Bug back in her crib with a dirty diaper, I decided to change it.

There’s a reason I don’t normally change her in the night unless she really needs it. She wakes up. A diaper change is an invitation to open her eyes and play. When I put her back in her crib, she was fully awake. (Side note – the dang thing wasn’t even dirty after all. It was likely what I lovingly call a “trapped toot”).

So she babbled. For an hour. Then it got more urgent, alerting me to the fact that this child was now overtired and was about 5 minutes away from a meltdown. 5 minutes was generous because it only took about 2 before she was in a full-fledged breakdown. No amount of patting without picking her up was going to work. My husband and I spent the next hour trying to calm her down and get her to sleep. In typical Bug fashion, as soon as we’d put her down she would wake up and scream.

Eventually, my husband decided sleep was most important and let her sleep for the next hour on his chest.

2 hours, from 4am-6am, is all it took to set the mood.

The rest of the day was shot. When it was time for Bug’s nap at 9am, she wasn’t interested. I tried to go for a run and the trail was flooded. I went to a different point on the trail and it started to rain heavily and I was soaked. One little thing after another after another.

I. Was. A. BEAR. To everyone. I was a crappy mother and a crappy wife and an all around crappy person for the moment. I recognized this.

And I saw the opportunity. It took some prodding from my husband, who said I needed change my mentality because bad things happen. I thought long and hard about why I was having such a hard time getting out of the funk. I recognized a part of it came from being tired. When I’m tired my mental capacity tanks, which is especially detrimental when I feel like I have a lot on my plate.

I noticed I was feeling mad at myself for not prioritizing my half marathon training (I’m running a half next weekend but my training has not gone well due to – well – having a 7 month old and working full time). I was bummed that I wasn’t prioritizing my health and exercise because it’s so important to me that I model that for my daughter. The reason I hadn’t been prioritizing is because I felt like I couldn’t work out unless it was half marathon prep and many times there weren’t enough hours to slog through those longer runs. I also recognized that I was feeling overwhelmed by a major project at work that I felt behind on. I had wanted to do some work on it Saturday and hadn’t gotten to it because of other tasks. I asked el Hubs to be in charge of Bug so I could do some work.

90 minutes later I was a new woman. I was happier and less anxious, and more likely to let things roll off my back. I took a step back and listened to what was really going on and realized that while I couldn’t go back and change my training, that the worst thing that happens is I walk a lot next weekend. I also realized that I could do something about the work stuff, and made it a priority to do so.

The rest of the day was fun. I got on the floor and played with Bug. I felt happy and back to my normal self. I got to enjoy the evening with one of my best friends who came over for dinner and some wine. I only hope that the next time this happens, I can remember what worked for me and make it work again. Because this sure as hell wasn’t the last bad day.

Tiny Moments, Huge Impact

Since becoming a mother, I’ve been thinking a lot about moments. You hear so many things before you have a child. Everyone tells you how tough it is, and how stages seem like eternities when the baby won’t sleep, or wants to eat all night, or won’t nap long enough for you to even take a shower. People make it sound like a hell that has no end. And then you hear all the mentions of how they grow up way too fast, and it’s gone in the blink of an eye.

In my short 7 months of experience, one of my favorite sayings rings true, and it encompasses both sentiments: the days are long, but the years are short.

Man. The number of times I’ve repeated that to myself since becoming a mother this past March. The number of times that’s crossed my mind each day.

Little moments

I’m living for the moments. The only way for me to feel like time is slowing down a little bit is to find those moments. You know the ones. Where you’re wrapped up in what you’re doing, and you feel the joy of that exact minute, and you try and hold onto it just a little bit longer. Every day, I look for those moments. By doing that, I’m feeling like I have a little more control over the speed with which my little lady is growing up. So much happens this first year, your baby is a different baby from one month to the next – and sometimes even from one week to the next.

Yesterday, I took an extra 2 minutes to take some video of my daughter eating her rice cereal before bedtime. I will want to remember that one day. I took an extra 5 minutes to kiss and cuddle her while she was on the changing table. I kissed her like crazy until she was caught up in a fit of giggles, and my heart expanded so much from the joy of that sound that I wasn’t sure it’d be able to stay in my chest. Those moments bring tears to my eyes. And I’m trying to find them and desperately hold on to them before they pass. I kept her up 10 minutes later than she probably wanted to be. But those 10 minutes were worth it.IMG_9349[1]Having these moments, they allow the tougher ones to pass with less fanfare. As a new mom, you have so many “when will this end?!!” moments. But finding the tiny little minutes to just drink in this baby – who won’t be a baby soon, who won’t smell like her baby self, who won’t curl up perfectly in my arms with her head on my shoulder – are helping to put the tougher moments in perspective.

She’s so little. And she won’t be for long. I need these memories seared in my brain because yes, the days are long….but wow, the years are so, so short.

It won’t be like this for long, One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah this phase is gonna fly by, He’s trying to hold on
It won’t be like this for long.

Aaaand I’m Back.

Well, well, well. My first post at the new blog. I’ve tried this blogging thing twice before (well, two times where I was serious about it). My last blog failed because it was about something very specific – fashion – and I couldn’t get my brain around how narcissistic it felt. And it was a giant pain in the ass to have to take pictures so frequently. So, after a sad little attempt to keep it going after the lustre died, I just let it go. I also got pregnant and had a baby not long after so maybe that was a good thing.

I’ve also tried once before to lifestyle blog – but I never kept with it. However, looking back at my previous blog, what really stuck out to me was the writing. I really like to write, and I’m not too shabby at it. And it was so fun to see my writing come through in a way it couldn’t in my fashion blog. So I’m going to try this again.

The first blog failed due to inability to be consistent…the second blog I was consistent for years but the content wasn’t ideal for me. This time, I’m going to try and find that consistency again without the constraints of being a “certain kind” of blog. I’m just going to write. And if I want to write about fashion, and post mirror selfies of my outfits, I’m gonna. If I want to talk about the most random of things, I will do that too. This blog isn’t gonna fit in a box any more. Here’s to new beginnings!